wild wasted youth

i havent been on here in a while. things are really bad.. slowly coming to the realization that i am and never will be good enough.. no matter how hard i try, and commit, and change, i will never be enough. and now i understand that. the guilt i would feel though-the remorse, for making someone feel like that. now a days i get obsessed with the thought of what people would think if i left… i crave the thought of the people who hurt me, suffering, and thats an evil evil thing to say. i am not the same. i never will be. i like the thought of another person feeling what i did; because they caused it. one person still has control of my life. they have ahold of me and they enjoy it. the thought of it, doesnt scare me. ive felt pain all my life, i start to get addicted. i crave the sadness and i crave the evil. ive reached my breaking point. there is no going back to what i was. i am not scared. would i be a fool to say that i was exicted? eager? would i be stupid to say that thinking of it, entices me? i want to know what they would feel- the guilt- the saddness. i long for that. this person that ive become, it isnt me. its a monster, a witch- if you will. an evil person. and its because they wanted control and they got it.. 

the pain in my chest is too much to bear. how could anyone do something as big as this to someone? how could they be so heartless when they know the way i am better than anyone else? i can’t do anything. sometimes i wish we didn’t have emotions.. that we couldn’t feel what it’s like to hurt, or feel unwanted, or worthless, or heartbroken.  I wish i was a bird. so i could simply fly away. fly away from everything bad and go to everything good. i wouldnt have to feel anything. i wish.

it’s really frustrating when someone keeps doing things over and over again to lose your trust. and when you point it out, they turn it on you and bring up your past situations… pisses me off.. that willl be all.

God. I can trust maybe 3 people? 5 on a good day. I wake up knowing that the person I used to love, isn’t the same anymore. I wake up knowing I can’t trust a single thing they say. And that’s hard. Knowing that the person you put all your trust in, isn’t truthful, it hurts. A lot. And ecspecially when I hear about it from others. We used to be so close and now I know nothing about this person. I dunno. Maybe it’s for the best that I let them go, but thinking about being all alone is terrible. They’ve done me wrong and I know it. I just keep forgiving. Cause that’s what we’re supposed to do right? But, for how long?